| This is the end of a 4 part series. Situation 4 Having a manic episode, being hospitalized, and finding out that I have bi-polar disorder This situation is the accumulation of situations 1-3 and many other disappointments I have experienced throughout my entire life. I won't write about the rest of them because then I'd have enough material for a book (hmm...idea). I had just moved into my first apartment. Before then I had been sleeping on my frat sister's sofa (thanks T.T.) and before then I was living with my parents and sleeping...you guessed it...on the sofa. I was just happy to be sleeping in a bed. Before I moved into my apartment I had been extremely stressed out because of my financial situation. I had been depressed for months, but I was working on my attitude trying to go from a negative I'm the victim mentality to a positive one where I was in control of my emotions and my destiny. This was coming along slowly at first, but when I moved into my apartment the pendulum started to swing dramatically to the other direction. Long gone was the laid back, shy, and socially insecure girl. All of a sudden I was this vibrant and vivacious woman taking the world by storm. I became a vegetarian. I woke up at 8 o' clock promptly every morning and exercised. I went on a mini shopping spree and spent the majority of my money on these fabulous clothes and things for my apartment. I coyly flirted with every man I saw and I engaged in animated conversations with complete strangers. It seemed as if I was drawing all the right people to me with a magnet. I came up with all of these brilliant ideas to make money. I threw a party and cooked enough food to easily feed 50 people even though only about 10-12 showed up. Everyone else I knew was gone for spring break. I had spent two days cooking and I had only had two hours of sleep in a 48 hour period. I did all of this in less than a week. What sounds unusual about this you ask? For those of you who know me, you know that the things I was doing that week was completely out of character. I was being totally impractical. The behaviors that I just described to you was the beginning of me having a manic episode, also known as a nervous breakdown. I started having hallucinations that I was psychic, that I had ESP, and I was hearing this voice. Everything that I did that week was because this voice had told me to do it or I had a vision. The straw that broke the camel's back was when one of my roommates stole my phone just because I moved her cheap ass plastic flower arrangement so I could use the table as a work space. I was planning another party the day after my first party. My roommates had been giving me the cold shoulder since I had moved in. They made sure to ignore me and tried to make me feel uncomfortable, but it didn't work. I could have given less than a fuck about them. I went shopping for my party and when I got back I discovered that my phone was gone and then the bitch had the nerve to leave a note on the refrigerator about it. I had borrowed money from one of my professors and tried to go out and buy things and now no one could get in touch with me. I was livid. I tried to get various people to help me, but no one came through until the next morning. I went to sleep and then when I woke up I was in a murderous rage. That girl who was my roommate needs to thank God everyday, all day. If she would've been there I don't know what I would've done to her. My cell phone was out of minutes ( prepaid is a bitch) and the only means of communication I had was my apartment phone...yeah, I was heated. I blacked out shortly after woke up and when I came to things were scattered everywhere. I got scared, left my apartment and sat by the pool until sunrise. Afterwards I walked to my frat sisters' apartment ( they lived in the same complex) and told them what happened. When I left their apartment one of my friends who I called the night before picked me up and brought me to a safe location where I could lay low. While all of this had been going on my parents knew that something was terribly wrong with me from the way I had been talking to them. I was not the daughter they knew. They tried to find me by calling my so called frat sisters. When they finally found one who would cooperate with them and not hang the phone up in their faces, they came and picked me up. After this I had a series of dizzy spells and then I started fainting every time I walked too fast. My parents took me to the hospital. This is when the hallucinations started. I was thinking that I was pregnant with twins for a man I had not even shaken hands with, so you know that sex was definitely out of the question. I also thought that I was the Egyptian Queen Nefertiti and that I was about to be reunited with my king Akhenaten after being separated from each other for many lifetimes. After we came together we were going to rule the world again, but in a more covert way. I would do it through music and he would do it through real estate. I know this sounds like something from a sci-fi movie, but this is what I was thinking. I felt like I was in a Spike Lee joint, lol. If you find yourself laughing at this, don't feel guilty. It's quite alright because I'm laughing about it as I type. I was trippin'...major. My parents used this hallucination against me to get me to peacefully go home with them, and two very dear friends of mine, who I kept calling, were patient enough to entertain my foolishness and they went along with what I was saying like I hadn't lost my damn mind. I am eternally grateful for them. When I got home I totally flipped out. Everyone in my family had been watching me like a hawk and it was getting on my nerves. I was at home just chillin' when all of a sudden I had a strong craving for fried chicken and cherries. I tried to go the store which is about a ½ mile up the street from my house. First my father tried to stop me and I cursed him out, pulled my pants down, and told him to kiss my ass. Then I went to the store and I passed out there also. My brother-in-law had to bring me home. After I got home I started going through multiple personality changes and latter in the evening I ended up walking in the middle of the streets barefoot wearing nothing but a dashiki and some panties screaming, crying, and asking God for peace. I finally got some peace when my neighbors called the police and I went to a psychiatric hospital. Three weeks after I got out of the hospital the hallucinations came back and I had to go back to the hospital again. Lessons Learned The lessons I learned from this experience was that I had to stop silently holding on to my pain and the only way I would have any semblance of peace in my life was to let go of my past. I held on to the pain for so long because for the majority of my life it was all I knew. I thought that being aggravated and depressed was normal and that I could not be happy unless I had a specific reason. Something major had to happen like falling in love or winning the lotto. The thought that I could be happy for being able to breathe or because the sun was shinning was just ridiculous to me. I now know that I went through so much pain because it is what I expected. So as a man thinketh, so is he. The last lesson I learned from this experience is probably the greatest one I have learned thus far. I figured out my purpose in life. When I was in the hospital they kept us all doped up. Everyone was walking around like zombies. Not to mention, the staff was a bunch of assholes that did things to purposefully antagonize the patients so that they could add extra time to their stay and make more money. Basically, there just was no positive energy in that place. We did everything in groups and when the staff found out that I could sing they kept asking me to sing something for them. At first I was reluctant, but I sang His Eye Is On The Sparrow for them (y'all know that's my lazy song, lol). I noticed that the atmosphere had changed for a little while after I sang. The other patients were telling me how my singing had made them feel so much better. Even the staff had been cheerful for a little while, so after that I was a singing fool in that hospital. I now know that the reason God gave me such a beautiful voice was so that I could use it to uplift people's spirit. If I could help people with mental disorders forget about their problems and give them a little hope, just imagine what I could do for so-called normal people? To whom much is given, much is expected, so I am going to live up to my God given potential and try to heal the world with my voice, my music, and my desire to help other people. I know some of you are wondering why is it I exposed so much of myself to the world. I just simply got tired of people manufacturing lies about me and I wanted people to know the truth. I was tired of fending off vicious rumors and I got tired of being judged without people knowing what my struggle was. I also wanted people to know why I am the way I am. I also know that what happened to me over the years was tragic and that if I told my story and let people see just how much I have overcome that maybe they might be inspired to hold on and don't give up on this perpetual classroom called life. If only one person walks away after reading this better able to examine the things that they have gone through in their life and what lessons it is that they had to learn, I'll feel as though I have accomplished something great. | ||
